


Feel Again

by cuddlydreamsonrainydays



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-31
Updated: 2015-07-31
Packaged: 2018-04-12 07:52:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4471265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuddlydreamsonrainydays/pseuds/cuddlydreamsonrainydays
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When everything is numb, what can make you feel again?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Feel Again

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work on here. I apologize for any mistakes and I'd appreciate if you pointed them out to me!  
> Of course One Direction do not belong to me and this work is entirely fictional.  
> Enjoy!

I feel numb. There’s a slight pain constantly in the back of my mind, but I hardly feel it anymore because everything is just so numb and all of my feelings, good or bad, are fading away. I also find it very hard to concentrate, but I can’t really bring myself to care anymore. There’s a memory of how I used to feel and laugh and have fun, but it’s only a memory and it’s painful to think of those times because I’m not able to anymore. There’s nothing really left of me. I spend all of my free time in bed, doing nothing, just staring at the plain white ceiling and trying to push it all even further away. I can’t bear the weight of the world anymore, no. 

When I was just a few years younger, happy and naive, I sometimes felt like the king of the world, as if I could do anything and nothing could stop me. That feeling of freedom has vanished along with my innocence and my smile. I know it, and I know I should do something, or ask for help, but nobody cares, and so I can’t bring myself to either. Sometimes I bother with faking a smile for a concert, even moving a bit more animatedly, though it hurts in my bones and my soul. I don’t look forward anymore, I don’t look up. There’s just a big black nothing inside of me. And I kind of like that. It’s better than the pain I felt before, better than the constant worry and fear. Now, I at least don’t care anymore that the oxygen just won’t reach my lungs properly and I think my heart has been ripped apart so many times that it will never be fixed again. I’m like a burned out star, like a wet candle, like a used towel. Useless, ugly, not making sense any longer. I just don’t care, I only watch myself falling apart with clarity, but distance. It’s like there’s a wall made of glass between my emotions and my actions, my life. 

Right now, I’m staring at the ceiling again, trying not to think, not to remember. It’s no longer really hard. I’m deep in a cloud of nothing when I faintly hear someone calling my name. „Niall?“ I think it’s Liam, but I don’t want to turn my head. „Niall, we have to go, you remember that interview, right?“ It’s definitely Liam, he’s the only one who’d remind me nicely of things, not with a million swearwords and by jumping up and down on my mattress. The interview. I don’t want to get up, but I must get my shit together at least for this. At least for the fans. „I’m coming, sorry, was a bit out of it,“ I say. My voice sounds scratchy, I haven’t used it for ages. „No problem,“ the guy I used to call my best friend says softly. He doesn’t leave my room though. An awkward silence takes up all the space in the room. When I realize that he isn’t going to leave anytime soon, I slowly, very slowly start to get up. My head spins a bit. I can’t remember when I’ve last eaten and I can’t tell when I’ve last gotten up to do something. My pulse is slow and I can feel it speeding up just because I sat up in bed. For a moment I stay in my position and squeeze my eyes shut. When the stars leave me alone again, I get up completely and look down my body. 

I look weird, I have no connection to what I’m seeing. That pile of senseless bodymass can’t be me, can it? I’m wearing sweatpants and a plain white t-shirt. It doesn’t have stains on it, but I’ve worn it for ages now. Even though I don’t really care, that bit of common sense that’s not left me like everything else tells me that I should better change when I have to leave the house. I take another one out of my wardrobe, but I keep my grey sweatpants on. I don’t want to change in front of Liam, not when I don’t feel like my body belongs to me and when there are angry red lines on my thighs and my hips when I last tried to force myself to feel something. It always works for a few seconds, until the pain becomes overwhelming and then vanishes completely. My head hurts already from the effort of changing shirts and getting out of bed, and I think I should eat something, but I know I’m not going to anyway. Food is for happy people. I deserve scars and starvation. 

Liam clears his throat uncomfortably. „Are you done? You know, maybe you should use the bathroom for a moment and we’ll meet in the hall, yeah? Harry and Louis are already waiting.“ I nod, barely getting what he says. Right. Bathroom. It should make me sad that he needs to remind me of such natural things like a little child. It doesn’t. I brush my teeth and mess a bit with my hair, but I carefully avoid the mirror. I don’t want to see the mess I’ve become. I don’t want to see what the lack of sleep and food have done to my face, and what the lack of excercise has done to my body. I quickly leave the bathroom again and walk towards the hall.   
If it was up to me, I’d be going straight back to bed. Who am I kidding, I wouldn’t even have gotten up. But my life hasn’t been up to me in ages. Liam greets me with a warm smile, it’s even a bit too much, it doesn’t seem natural anymore. A part of me still appreciates it, is glad that someone tries to make me feel a bit better. Harry and Louis shout loud greetings, caught up in their usual banter that involves a lot of touching and giggling. I can get myself to half smile before I’m somehow shoved out of the door and in the backseat of our van. Liam gently hands me a bottle of water and a granola bar. I take the items, careful not to touch his hands. I can’t allow myself to feel, I will only fall deeper afterwards. Old me would surely have felt sad for Liam, being all alone as I’m useless and Harry and Louis have their thing. Old me had feelings not only for myself, but also for others. I can’t imagine that anymore.

Every few minutes I take a small sip from my water, but the granola bar stays untouched. My stomach wouldn’t even be able to process it, probably. I don’t feel like giving it a try, I’ve already done so much today, as much as the entire past week in total. The only content my life has right now, my pathetic excuse of a life, is Liam, constantly trying to break the walls that I have built so carefully. I can feel his worried glances in my direction every now and then. I don’t look up. Everything is numb, and my head is so heavy. I let it rest against the window. I notice that the glass is cool, it’s November outside after all, but I don’t feel it, compared to the ice in my soul, it is nothing. Nothing is really anything anymore, and I’m so tired. 

We reach the place wherever that interview is and get out of the van. I trail behind a bit, partly because I want to and partly because I’m physically not able to walk any faster. It’s cold, but I don’t feel. I don’t care. Liam is waiting for me at the entrance. He’s so kind. I don’t deserve his incredible kindness, as I can never give anything back to him. I used to love him, used to love him so badly that it hurt. I can remember my love for Liam, the unrequited love that destroyed me. Now, I don’t feel anymore, and what I feel least is love. He smiles at me with his sincere, but worried brown eyes. He’s like an open book, always so honest, always so caring. „Are you okay?“ I nod. „Just tired, s’all.“ Nobody mentions that I should really not be tired after having spent a week in bed. „Let’s go in then, it’s just a short interview.“ I follow Liam inside. Harry and Louis are already getting prepared for the interview by some stylist I don’t remember the name of and another one makes frantic hand gestures towards me. I walk over slowly and sink down in the black leather chair. Before she can even tell me to, I close my eyes. I don’t want to see myself in one of the hundreds of mirrors inside the room. 

I don’t listen to what she says. She’s probably scolding me for not getting enough sleep because she spends an awfully long time concealing the shadows under my eyes, but I don’t care. I’m the last one to be ready, of course, being the ugliest in the band. The others are sitting on couches in a room. There are snacks and waterbottles, but I just sink down on the couch and settle for staring at the wall. That is something I am used to. The wall is white, just like my ceiling. Black and white is all I can see, all I am. An hour later, we are done with the interview and the make-up is washed away again. My memory of the past sixty minutes his already blurry. I can’t remember what we were asked and if I even said anything. Maybe they’ll just believe I wasn’t even there. Some people would be happy about me not being in the band, I know that just too well. When feelings still put me down and took me over instead of this endless numbness, I used to scroll through my twitter feed and see all the hate. I haven’t used my phone now in like to weeks, there’s enough hate for a lifetime in my mind and body. That’s why I can’t feel. Feelings are bad. Too much hate, too much love, too much world, too much everything. I’m so tired of everything. 

Back in the van, I feel like passing out any second. It should scare me, but I just don’t care. What would be different if I just died? I faintly register how the corners of my vision get blurry, then my whole vision and everything slowly goes black. 

I had lost my feelings completely for a while already, but when I start noticing my surroundings again, something is different with my body. I’m not sitting anymore. I’m being carried, I think, but I’m not sure and I don’t really care. I’m just so tired and it’s already been so much today. If I passed out, I just want to pass out again. „I’m so worried about him,“ a voice says. It’s Liam, and he sounds like he’s choking on air. A part of me wants to open my eyes and tell him not to worry, because why should he when I don’t either, but my eyelids are so heavy. „He’s so light, and his eyeshadows are scary. I think he hasn’t eaten anything in like two weeks and have you seen his eyes? They’re so dull, like he’s completely gone. I wanted to help him, but I can’t get to him at all… I just want my Niall back.“ The thing that’s carrying me shakes. It takes a few seconds until I realize that it is Liam who is carrying me with his gentle and careful arms, and it is Liam who is sobbing. He’s sobbing because of me. I should completely disappear from his life, he doesn’t deserve to get dragged down by me. „Now he’s passed out! We can be glad he was sitting, but we really need to get help.“ 

„Liam,“ another voice chimes in. It might be Louis, but I can’t bring myself to listen in more closely. „He won’t want help because he won’t notice there’s something wrong with him. We have to get him to the hospital.“   
Hospital? 

„I think he’s depressed.“ That was Harry’s slow voice. „Like, we could say he’s anorexic because he’s seriously underweight and doesn’t eat, but I think it’s just a side effect of depression.“ The shaking around me intensifies. „We are going right now,“ Liam decides. I can hear how he’s trying to be firm and decisive, but his voice is shaking just as much as his upper body. „Call the van back, right now, before he wakes up. We’ve watched this long enough, and we’re only helping, right? I mean, depression…“ „…is pretty damn serious.“ Louis sighs. „It’s not like anyone can blame him, you don’t just get depression on purpose,“ Harry says. I don’t agree with him, and I don’t want to be admitted to a hospital, but everything is so, so heavy and there’s this part of me that just desperately wants to feel something again. Nothing could be worse than this. Liam gets back in a car with me in his arms. Harry tells the driver to drive us to the hospitel. 

„I’m scared,“ Liam says so softly that I wouldn’t be able to hear it if the car wasn’t so silent. „I don’t want to lose him, I just… I love him so damn much.“ And wow, this would have my heart beating faster if I still had emotions. I desperately want to be able to give Liam what he deserves. He deserves so much more than the black and white and the not belonging body parts and the pathetic nothing that is me. „I know, mate. We know,“ Louis says in a comforting tone. Liam doesn’t answer and everyone is silent. It’s so much to process for my brain. My eyes are closed, but I start to see stars behind my eyelids and I know I will have lost consciousness again in a few seconds.

When I wake up again, Liam’s arms are no longer wrapped around me and a part of me wonders where I am. There’s a beeping noise and there’s a light that I even notice through my closed eyes. I know I need to open them to find out more, now I can just guess that I’m at the hospital, but I don’t care enough and the big nothing and the numbness of everything are still dragging me down. „Mr. Horan, could you please open your eyes for me?“ I don’t know that voice. Why should I open my eyes if I don’t even know who’s talking to me? A stranger’s not worth the immense effort. „Mr. Horan, I’m your doctor. You have been brought to the hospital by your friends three hours ago and remained unconscious until now. Could you please open your eyes so I can tell them that you’re at least awake and we can start treating you? They’re so worried.“ 

Well, now I know that I’m at the hospital. Maybe I should open my eyes. It’s not like I have to talk or get up, and maybe they will bring Liam back. It takes a lot of effort, but I somehow manage to open my eyes no matter how heavy my eyelids are. I can immediately see the doctor, but I don’t really pay attention. I just stare at nothing and shut out what I see. „Thank you so much,“ the man beams. Then, he gets more serious again. „Mr. Horan, the symptoms that you’ve been showing are a sign for major depression. In addition to that, you are severely malnourished and underweight. We have no other choice than to keep you here for a while. You will be moved to the psychiatric department and you will need to talk to a psychologist while we’ll also put you on medication. It will make you feel better.“ Feel? I can’t feel. And food also? I need to protest, but I don’t know if I can rely on my voice. „I,“ I start, and my voice is scratchy and my throat hurts as much as it can hurt when I don’t let pain into my head. „I c-can’t… can’t feel.“ „Oh, but Mr. Horan, that’s exactly what the problem is. I promise you that you will be able to feel again.“ It is too much. It is too much. I can’t feel, but a part of me wants to scream against the dull grey and my clouded mind. My consciousness is already fading away again.

The next time I wake up, my head hurts and the bright light is off, but someone is breathing slowly next to me. I slowly open my eyes, and it is a little less hard than before already. The unexpected pain confuses me, and everything seems sharper, more real than during the past few weeks. I know what’s up when I notice the sedative in my left hand. They’re already putting me on medication. I still don’t care enough to want to get rid of it, though. I’ll let them do whatever they want with me. „Niall?“ Liam is sitting by my side. „Liam?“ I ask and cringe at the sound of my voice. I sound so small and vulnerable, and my throat is still scratchy. „You’re awake,“ he says, and his tone is so relieved that I almost start thinking that he really cares about me. Dumb, Niall. „You scared me so much.“ „I can’t feel, Liam,“ I blurt out before I can stop myself. „Everything is numb.“ „Oh Nialler, I know,“ he mumbles. „But you will get better now. And I want to tell you something for when you can feel again and to maybe make it easier to get there.“ 

He clears his throat and smiles at me with so much pain but also so much hope and warmth in his eyes that a part of me, the part that still manages to be curious, wonders how one human being can contain so many emotions without exploding. „Niall,“ he mumbles. „I care about you so much, even if you can’t care about anything and anyone right now. And… I love you. I’m so in love with you and I just want you to know it. I don’t want to pressure you into anything, I just want you to get better. I need you so badly. You don’t have to react, but can I hug you?“ Liam is in love with me? Liam cares? I don’t quite believe him, I can‘t, at least not yet. But there’s that memory… that memory of feelings. Liam sits patiently and waits for my answer just so he can hug me, and I realize how much I have pushed everyone away while I was drifting off into a big black sea of nothing. I used to hug everyone, all the time.

„I will make you believe me somehow, just give me some time, I promise.“ That’s what makes me believe I can start loving him again at some point, how he just knows what’s up with me. „Liam,“ I say and it’s so hard to get my brain to work and to put everything I want to say in words, but I have to try for the boy sitting next to me. „Liam, I’m so sorry about everything that has happened and that I have done. You know… you know I can’t feel right now what you feel and I can’t believe you all at once, but the first person I’d care about if I could still care is you, and I’ve once loved you so much, before all this started. I’ve loved you, and you’re already now helping me so much. And I would like you to hug me very much.“

To see Liam’s amazing brown eyes light up is definitely worth the effort and so much more, and his arms around me are comforting and safe even now, even though I still can’t really feel and won’t be able to für long. The brown of Liam’s eyes ist he first colour I’ve seen in weeks, and it’s my new colour for hope. „Thank you,“ he whispers. „Thank you. We will get through this together. I promise. You will feel again.“


End file.
